The Right Way to Apologize
Our eight year old son was visiting friends and apparently was spotted by play place security blocking entry to a certain place of play. As was the procedure, he was taken to my adult son before he was asked to exit the play place. His brother told him to go and apologize to the owner and security staff.
A few minutes later, his brother was approached by the owner, who said in her twenty-five years of working with kids, especially kids whom had erred in judgment, my son’s apology was the sincerest apology she has ever heard.
Apology is important. In fact, apology is the glue that holds all relationships together. Apologizing is an art. All of us will have to sincerely apologize to someone a few times in our lives. The four-step apology works best.
Here are the steps:
Step one:
Acknowledge what you did. State your action or inaction. For instance, if a child snatched a toy he or she might say I should not have taken the toy from you. You might say I should not have responded curtly to your request. The importance of this step is we do not make excuses for what we have done. We own the behavior.
Step two:
State why the behavior was wrong. With a child she might say it was wrong because I should respect you as a person and not grab the toy from you. For children, this helps them to understand the offenses and therefore the child is less likely to repeat the action. An adult might say my response was wrong because I was not fully listening to your request. The wronged individual then feels heard. This is an important step in reconciliation.
Step Three:
State what you will do differently in the future. A child might state. “In the future I will (fill in the blank). A child might say in the future,” I will ask you can I play with the toy, even if I really want to play with it. I will find another toy rather than snatch a toy form you.” An adult might say. “ I will put down my phone and practice active listening, like the Carters suggested in their marriage seminar.” ( Notice: the shameless ministry plug www,Familsuccess.org).
Step Four:
The individual asks the other person, if he would forgive him or her. This step is vital because the wronged person must forgive at this point and not revisit the transgression. Now, in cases of severe emotional or physical abuse, counselling, coupled with prayer, may be necessary. We often speak with couples where there has been infidelity and the wronged partner is continually brow beaten for perceived unforgiveness. The offender often does not realize forgiveness is a process.
Derek, along with his wife Cheryl Carter, enjoy teaching couples about the process of forgiveness and apology.
Our eight year old son was visiting friends and apparently was spotted by play place security blocking entry to a certain place of play. As was the procedure, he was taken to my adult son before he was asked to exit the play place. His brother told him to go and apologize to the owner and security staff.
A few minutes later, his brother was approached by the owner, who said in her twenty-five years of working with kids, especially kids whom had erred in judgment, my son’s apology was the sincerest apology she has ever heard.
Apology is important. In fact, apology is the glue that holds all relationships together. Apologizing is an art. All of us will have to sincerely apologize to someone a few times in our lives. The four-step apology works best.
Here are the steps:
Step one:
Acknowledge what you did. State your action or inaction. For instance, if a child snatched a toy he or she might say I should not have taken the toy from you. You might say I should not have responded curtly to your request. The importance of this step is we do not make excuses for what we have done. We own the behavior.
Step two:
State why the behavior was wrong. With a child she might say it was wrong because I should respect you as a person and not grab the toy from you. For children, this helps them to understand the offenses and therefore the child is less likely to repeat the action. An adult might say my response was wrong because I was not fully listening to your request. The wronged individual then feels heard. This is an important step in reconciliation.
Step Three:
State what you will do differently in the future. A child might state. “In the future I will (fill in the blank). A child might say in the future,” I will ask you can I play with the toy, even if I really want to play with it. I will find another toy rather than snatch a toy form you.” An adult might say. “ I will put down my phone and practice active listening, like the Carters suggested in their marriage seminar.” ( Notice: the shameless ministry plug www,Familsuccess.org).
Step Four:
The individual asks the other person, if he would forgive him or her. This step is vital because the wronged person must forgive at this point and not revisit the transgression. Now, in cases of severe emotional or physical abuse, counselling, coupled with prayer, may be necessary. We often speak with couples where there has been infidelity and the wronged partner is continually brow beaten for perceived unforgiveness. The offender often does not realize forgiveness is a process.
Derek, along with his wife Cheryl Carter, enjoy teaching couples about the process of forgiveness and apology.
