Communicating in our Families
So, you’re saying I don’t do anything around the house and that I’m irresponsible…is that what you’re saying? ”
“Actually I was not sure what I was saying at that point. Men, ever been in the middle of an argument and not even know it?… worse yet, you do not even know how it all got started. Cheryl often tells me these disagreements happen because I don’t listen. Sometimes, I guess I don’t. Listening is the cornerstone of communication. Many people think you’re a great communicator if you convey a worthy message. However, nothing is further from the truth. Gifted communicators are first and foremost effective listeners. James 1:19 admonishes us to be quick to listen and slow to speak.
“Listening is a skill we have to develop. Our self-centered flesh generally likes to be heard. We like giving our opinions, postulating out propositions and masterminding solutions. This is especially true for men. It is hard for us to be quiet; and effective listening only happens in quiet. The sounds we hear are not necessarily the noises in our environment—our bills shout at us to be paid, the next item on our to-do list jumps up and down flaring its arms for attention, and the closet door that needs to be repaired screeches relentlessly in our ear. They all drown out your five-year-old who wants to share with you the picture frame she made in her coop art class. We want to listen but the internal voices are often harder to silence than the external ones in our home.
“I can always yell at my kids to be quiet; and if the circumstances are right, the time is right, and there is some worthy distraction, they will be quiet—for five minutes anyway. But the bills and things that bug me yell relentlessly. The truth is, it is harder to silence the bad day at work than it is a three-year-old on a roll through her fourth stanza of ‘I love you, you love me’ (the Barney song). It takes a concerted effort to get those internal concerns to be quiet.” —Derek
Listening
We must exercise the muscle of self-discipline. It means being tenacious enough to stand and demand those things be quiet, so you can listen. Listening is important because the ultimate goal of listening is understanding. Understanding gives us revelation. Even though we may not fully understand everything God says or does all the time, without error, hopefully our understanding of God today is greater than it was yesterday. We both empathetically endorse understanding, because often marriage enrichment involves tricks for you to get your mate to know where you are coming from rather than the goal of greater intimacy and satisfaction in the relationship. Tricks and techniques do not necessarily work.
“Once I read a book that says men should be greeted enthusiastically when they arrive home from work. The kids and I jumped all over Derek as soon as he walked in the door. One child was on his neck, another or his leg and his briefcase, and the contents therein went flying as soon as he stepped in the door. Obviously, that did not work. Then I heard a sermon that men need quiet contemplation when they get home. So I told the kids to leave Daddy alone. Give him lots of space. At first Derek was quite surprised when he went into the bedroom, and at the end of the evening he sighed, frustrated, ‘Why is everyone avoiding me?’
“ Derek,” I exclaimed, “we were trying to give you your space. I thought that was what men needed.”
“Why not just ask me what I want?” he said.
“I learned not to lean on a method but to first trust my relationship. Overall, we like methods that are easy and broad and do not require much on our part. Understanding takes pressing in. It is hard work but produces profound joy as we discover our mate. Discovery keeps the romance alive.” —Cheryl
Only understanding can produce profound joy in any relationship. Thus listening is not a method to decrease conflict but rather a way to deepen intimacy. Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden. They were vulnerable and open with one another. Effective listeners also have a keen ear to hear God. There are some practical skills parents can employ and likewise teach to their children, as the whole family should be trained in listening skills to reduce family conflict.
We must truly listen. This involves being keenly aware of the things which may distract us. The distractions may be our job, church activities, unpaid bills, volunteer work, household repairs, a friend’s problem, unforgiveness, anger, hatred, marital problems, etc. First, we must be aware of the things that distract us and then actively work to silence these things by a direct action of our will. We tell those things to be quiet as we make a quality decision to listen to the person we are speaking to. It used to be that the stereotypical dad at the breakfast table who muttered responses shielded by his morning newspaper was common. Today we have become more adept at answering our children’s questions while pounding the computer keyboard, sending e-mail or scratching memos on our Palm Pilot. We are not listening unless we stop and genuinely acknowledge them.
Active listening involves not only quieting our inner thoughts but it also involves showing outwardly that we are genuinely interested in what the other person is telling us. If we are sitting, we lean forward and make direct eye contact. You should also listen closely and make meaningful comments to show you are understanding what is being said. If your son is sharing about his soccer team losing, you might say, “so, you were upset that you did not make it to the finals.” It is important to define emotions for the speaker, particularly children, to teach them to express their emotions. This should only be attempted with a spouse if there is a great deal of mutual emotional trust and intimacy. If the speaker disagrees with the way you define the emotion, back off and accept correction. You may be wrong or the individual may not be aware of the emotion s/he is expressing, and s/he will need to come to it themselves if you do not press the issue.
Since active listening involves resolution, it is important to show the person you are with them, actively interested. The speaker should occasionally pause and give you opportunity to say things like “so, what I hear you saying is . . .” At this point rephrase the speaker’s concerns in terms you both can accept. Pay attention to the spoken and unspoken cues the speaker gives to you. You may respond with the exact words the person has used, but this exercise is more effective if you express the thoughts in your own words, not the exact words of the speaker. The speaker may wipe her brow and say: “I get so frustrated whenever my Aunt Saddie comes to visit, even though I can’t wait to see the newly adopted baby. ”
You then respond, noting the nonverbal cues, which are the emotions, unspoken words, body language, attitudes, etc.: “So, you really want to see Aunt Saddie and the baby but are concerned everything won’t be right when she arrives?’
Sometimes when people are upset they need someone to come and define their emotions, especially when the speaker is overwhelmed. Be careful not to lean too heavily on this method because you also need to give space for the speaker to correct you if you incorrectly label an emotion or thought. That’s why it is good to use your own words. This method is very weak if you simply parrot the speaker. In forming your own words you are forced to concentrate more on the speaker. Be gracious enough to accept correction from the speaker. This kind of interaction lends itself to deeper understanding.
You may further spur the conversation on once a person has opened up by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are questions which cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” These kind of questions are also often used to get reluctant conversationalist to open up. Instead of asking, “So, how’s the weather?” — because the person may just respond, “Fine.” You ask, “What have you been doing differently to deal with all the snow we’ve gotten recently?” This kind of question lends itself to a broader, more probing response, as the individual has to give some thought to answer the question. Most people like to talk, especially about themselves; we just need to give a bit of encouragement and motivation to spur on the process.
We often assume we know those who live in our homes but sometimes they are the very ones we take for granted. We should ask family members open-ended questions on a regular basis. Some of our favorite open-ended, often dinner table, questions are: If you could meet anyone in history and talk to him/her what would you say and why? If given a billion dollars and one year to spend it, how would you spend it? If you could be in anybody’s shoes, who would you choose and why? What would you consider a perfect day and why? If the Bible were going to be taken from us and never given back, which Bible verses would you memorize and why? By the way, most of these were thought up by our children. We try to play a game to see who can come up with the most probing questions. It is a fun way to build family unity.
Finally, the most important part of listening is to be emotionally available to your family. “This is something I had to do. I did not realize it, but I would come home in a disconnected mood. I was not angry or cruel, simply disconnected from what was going on at home. I came in the door and needed my space; and while I did not articulate this clearly, the kids knew I was not emotionally available to them. The Lord convicted me and I began to listen to praise and worship music and pray on my drive home (instead of listening to the news and traffic reports). I found myself bursting with energy when I walked through the door. I had learned to disconnect from work and connect with God, and this made all the difference in the world. I am now able to be there “spirit, soul and body” for my children and to actively listen without tiredness or distraction interfering with my home ministry. It is so important to actually be there with your children in the moment.” —Derek
It is important for us to engage in the basics of listening with our children, including listening to them attentively, making eye contact, giving them affirming nods and pats on the back or reassuring touches to urge them on. While you may practice active listening with children, you must be careful not to interrupt too often, as their thoughts are often more disjointed and unclear; therefore, they need to keep talking for awhile. They need you to give much more nonverbal affirmation than adults. Nods, a squeeze of the hand, stroking hair will all go a long way to promote a child opening up.
Remember also, the value is often not in what the child says but rather that s/he has the freedom to express their thoughts in the family. Children often cannot separate their thoughts from themselves, so just listening to them gives them valuable self- affirmation and esteem. Likewise do not get angry or show intense emotion or disgust for what they may say to you. I have a friend who works with Christian teens, and she practices the art of no surprise. No matter what the teens privately confide to her, her facial expression does not change. Over the years she has heard some shocking confessions, but she has found her therapeutic “yes, go on” stance quite effective in getting the young people she works with the space to open up to her. And please, avoid the lectures—you know, the ones about you walking to school during snow storms with holes in your shoes. Children will tune your lectures out.
Active Listening
There are a few other basic rules of active listening. Never interrupt or assume you know what the other person is going to say. This especially applies to a husband and wife when either is recounting a story to friends. The other is often apt to just butt in and correct the other spouse, instead of allowing them the freedom to relate the story the way they remember it. Sometimes we do not want to actively listen because we fear we will be faced with something we do not want to know. This occurs in families with rebellious teenagers a lot. The parents will often ignore signs—even direct evidence—that their children are doing drugs or having sex, etc., just because they are not ready to deal with it. This fear can be overcome by acknowledging it is there, and addressing it, just like you would the problem with your teenager. It can be overcome, but it involves us being real with ourselves.
We can control our ability to listen, but how do we handle others? One technique that we find highly effective is that of word pictures. It is when you paint a picture to get someone to connect with what you are saying on a level they can understand. Jesus used them all the time in His ministry. In an agrarian culture He used planting, sowing and reaping to help people understand the kingdom of God. The Old Testament prophets used them to hammer abstract concepts like truth, repentance and forgiveness home to Israel. The most notable story is that of King David. After he sins and has Bathesheba’s husband killed, the prophet Nathan visits him and tells him a story about a man with a beloved ewe lamb who is wronged. Remember, David was a shepherd. He cherished sheep. It was probably a fond childhood memory. In 2 Samuel 12:7, Nathan paints such an exact picture that David feels the pain of the man whose sheep were taken away. Once he feels the pain, then Nathan delivers the blow. “You are the man!” David actually convicts himself. He comes face-to-face with his sin and truly repents. That’s the power of word pictures.
Word pictures help us to understand things emotionally. Try it. We have frequently used word pictures with our children relating to things important to them. Likewise, they relate important truths and frustrations to us.
“I remember when my son was in third grade and I was home schooling him and had changed his math curriculum quite a few times that year. Jarrett, who was and is a gifted mathematician, was growing frustrated with my insistence that he master every little detail in each new book. Finally, one day he said to me, ‘Mom, ever go on a long car trip (we had taken several that year) and get excited when see the sign saying ‘New York, 10 miles’ only to be sent back in a circle?’ With that one analogy I got it! We stopped crisscrossing math concepts. Now, Jarrett could have said, ‘Mom, you are frustrating me going back over stuff I already know.’ But by relating it to a personal experience that meant something to me, it made it more potent.” —Cheryl
This brings us to the next stage in communication: Besides being good listeners, we must also effectively communicate our ideas. Samuel was a great communicator. God blessed this young man such that his words would never fall to the ground. Everything he said came to pass. This reputation made him a spiritual hero in Israel and the surrounding lands. Now, Samuel’s words were not infallible, but his ability to hear God’s voice and to articulate those words from the throne with thought, sensitivity and understanding to a nation is what solidifies his name as a man of God.
The child Samuel was able to hear God and respond. It is Samuel’s ability to listen which ultimately makes him a good communicator. When we think of noteworthy leaders such as Winston Churchill, Dr. Martin Luther King, or Sojourner Truth, we point to their communicative prowess. But what placed these persons at the helm of the history books was not the elegance of their words. It was their ability to discern what was in the hearts of their listeners and to address those heart concerns, then inspire them to move on to the next challenge. Therein lies the key: effective communicators show empathy and understanding. In doing so, they are able to take people to a higher place. Jesus stepped out of eternity and into time to show us that he empathizes with us. And while He cares deeply about us, Jesus further illustrates that despite the constraints of our flesh we have the ability to come up higher.
Derek and Cheryl have been married for twenty years and enjoy speaking, writing and encouraging other homeschool families. Portions of this article are excerpted from their book Seven Biblical Foundations Every Family Should Build on. Visit www.FamilySucess.org or www.Momtime.net for more articles and communication information.
“Actually I was not sure what I was saying at that point. Men, ever been in the middle of an argument and not even know it?… worse yet, you do not even know how it all got started. Cheryl often tells me these disagreements happen because I don’t listen. Sometimes, I guess I don’t. Listening is the cornerstone of communication. Many people think you’re a great communicator if you convey a worthy message. However, nothing is further from the truth. Gifted communicators are first and foremost effective listeners. James 1:19 admonishes us to be quick to listen and slow to speak.
“Listening is a skill we have to develop. Our self-centered flesh generally likes to be heard. We like giving our opinions, postulating out propositions and masterminding solutions. This is especially true for men. It is hard for us to be quiet; and effective listening only happens in quiet. The sounds we hear are not necessarily the noises in our environment—our bills shout at us to be paid, the next item on our to-do list jumps up and down flaring its arms for attention, and the closet door that needs to be repaired screeches relentlessly in our ear. They all drown out your five-year-old who wants to share with you the picture frame she made in her coop art class. We want to listen but the internal voices are often harder to silence than the external ones in our home.
“I can always yell at my kids to be quiet; and if the circumstances are right, the time is right, and there is some worthy distraction, they will be quiet—for five minutes anyway. But the bills and things that bug me yell relentlessly. The truth is, it is harder to silence the bad day at work than it is a three-year-old on a roll through her fourth stanza of ‘I love you, you love me’ (the Barney song). It takes a concerted effort to get those internal concerns to be quiet.” —Derek
Listening
We must exercise the muscle of self-discipline. It means being tenacious enough to stand and demand those things be quiet, so you can listen. Listening is important because the ultimate goal of listening is understanding. Understanding gives us revelation. Even though we may not fully understand everything God says or does all the time, without error, hopefully our understanding of God today is greater than it was yesterday. We both empathetically endorse understanding, because often marriage enrichment involves tricks for you to get your mate to know where you are coming from rather than the goal of greater intimacy and satisfaction in the relationship. Tricks and techniques do not necessarily work.
“Once I read a book that says men should be greeted enthusiastically when they arrive home from work. The kids and I jumped all over Derek as soon as he walked in the door. One child was on his neck, another or his leg and his briefcase, and the contents therein went flying as soon as he stepped in the door. Obviously, that did not work. Then I heard a sermon that men need quiet contemplation when they get home. So I told the kids to leave Daddy alone. Give him lots of space. At first Derek was quite surprised when he went into the bedroom, and at the end of the evening he sighed, frustrated, ‘Why is everyone avoiding me?’
“ Derek,” I exclaimed, “we were trying to give you your space. I thought that was what men needed.”
“Why not just ask me what I want?” he said.
“I learned not to lean on a method but to first trust my relationship. Overall, we like methods that are easy and broad and do not require much on our part. Understanding takes pressing in. It is hard work but produces profound joy as we discover our mate. Discovery keeps the romance alive.” —Cheryl
Only understanding can produce profound joy in any relationship. Thus listening is not a method to decrease conflict but rather a way to deepen intimacy. Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden. They were vulnerable and open with one another. Effective listeners also have a keen ear to hear God. There are some practical skills parents can employ and likewise teach to their children, as the whole family should be trained in listening skills to reduce family conflict.
We must truly listen. This involves being keenly aware of the things which may distract us. The distractions may be our job, church activities, unpaid bills, volunteer work, household repairs, a friend’s problem, unforgiveness, anger, hatred, marital problems, etc. First, we must be aware of the things that distract us and then actively work to silence these things by a direct action of our will. We tell those things to be quiet as we make a quality decision to listen to the person we are speaking to. It used to be that the stereotypical dad at the breakfast table who muttered responses shielded by his morning newspaper was common. Today we have become more adept at answering our children’s questions while pounding the computer keyboard, sending e-mail or scratching memos on our Palm Pilot. We are not listening unless we stop and genuinely acknowledge them.
Active listening involves not only quieting our inner thoughts but it also involves showing outwardly that we are genuinely interested in what the other person is telling us. If we are sitting, we lean forward and make direct eye contact. You should also listen closely and make meaningful comments to show you are understanding what is being said. If your son is sharing about his soccer team losing, you might say, “so, you were upset that you did not make it to the finals.” It is important to define emotions for the speaker, particularly children, to teach them to express their emotions. This should only be attempted with a spouse if there is a great deal of mutual emotional trust and intimacy. If the speaker disagrees with the way you define the emotion, back off and accept correction. You may be wrong or the individual may not be aware of the emotion s/he is expressing, and s/he will need to come to it themselves if you do not press the issue.
Since active listening involves resolution, it is important to show the person you are with them, actively interested. The speaker should occasionally pause and give you opportunity to say things like “so, what I hear you saying is . . .” At this point rephrase the speaker’s concerns in terms you both can accept. Pay attention to the spoken and unspoken cues the speaker gives to you. You may respond with the exact words the person has used, but this exercise is more effective if you express the thoughts in your own words, not the exact words of the speaker. The speaker may wipe her brow and say: “I get so frustrated whenever my Aunt Saddie comes to visit, even though I can’t wait to see the newly adopted baby. ”
You then respond, noting the nonverbal cues, which are the emotions, unspoken words, body language, attitudes, etc.: “So, you really want to see Aunt Saddie and the baby but are concerned everything won’t be right when she arrives?’
Sometimes when people are upset they need someone to come and define their emotions, especially when the speaker is overwhelmed. Be careful not to lean too heavily on this method because you also need to give space for the speaker to correct you if you incorrectly label an emotion or thought. That’s why it is good to use your own words. This method is very weak if you simply parrot the speaker. In forming your own words you are forced to concentrate more on the speaker. Be gracious enough to accept correction from the speaker. This kind of interaction lends itself to deeper understanding.
You may further spur the conversation on once a person has opened up by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are questions which cannot be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” These kind of questions are also often used to get reluctant conversationalist to open up. Instead of asking, “So, how’s the weather?” — because the person may just respond, “Fine.” You ask, “What have you been doing differently to deal with all the snow we’ve gotten recently?” This kind of question lends itself to a broader, more probing response, as the individual has to give some thought to answer the question. Most people like to talk, especially about themselves; we just need to give a bit of encouragement and motivation to spur on the process.
We often assume we know those who live in our homes but sometimes they are the very ones we take for granted. We should ask family members open-ended questions on a regular basis. Some of our favorite open-ended, often dinner table, questions are: If you could meet anyone in history and talk to him/her what would you say and why? If given a billion dollars and one year to spend it, how would you spend it? If you could be in anybody’s shoes, who would you choose and why? What would you consider a perfect day and why? If the Bible were going to be taken from us and never given back, which Bible verses would you memorize and why? By the way, most of these were thought up by our children. We try to play a game to see who can come up with the most probing questions. It is a fun way to build family unity.
Finally, the most important part of listening is to be emotionally available to your family. “This is something I had to do. I did not realize it, but I would come home in a disconnected mood. I was not angry or cruel, simply disconnected from what was going on at home. I came in the door and needed my space; and while I did not articulate this clearly, the kids knew I was not emotionally available to them. The Lord convicted me and I began to listen to praise and worship music and pray on my drive home (instead of listening to the news and traffic reports). I found myself bursting with energy when I walked through the door. I had learned to disconnect from work and connect with God, and this made all the difference in the world. I am now able to be there “spirit, soul and body” for my children and to actively listen without tiredness or distraction interfering with my home ministry. It is so important to actually be there with your children in the moment.” —Derek
It is important for us to engage in the basics of listening with our children, including listening to them attentively, making eye contact, giving them affirming nods and pats on the back or reassuring touches to urge them on. While you may practice active listening with children, you must be careful not to interrupt too often, as their thoughts are often more disjointed and unclear; therefore, they need to keep talking for awhile. They need you to give much more nonverbal affirmation than adults. Nods, a squeeze of the hand, stroking hair will all go a long way to promote a child opening up.
Remember also, the value is often not in what the child says but rather that s/he has the freedom to express their thoughts in the family. Children often cannot separate their thoughts from themselves, so just listening to them gives them valuable self- affirmation and esteem. Likewise do not get angry or show intense emotion or disgust for what they may say to you. I have a friend who works with Christian teens, and she practices the art of no surprise. No matter what the teens privately confide to her, her facial expression does not change. Over the years she has heard some shocking confessions, but she has found her therapeutic “yes, go on” stance quite effective in getting the young people she works with the space to open up to her. And please, avoid the lectures—you know, the ones about you walking to school during snow storms with holes in your shoes. Children will tune your lectures out.
Active Listening
There are a few other basic rules of active listening. Never interrupt or assume you know what the other person is going to say. This especially applies to a husband and wife when either is recounting a story to friends. The other is often apt to just butt in and correct the other spouse, instead of allowing them the freedom to relate the story the way they remember it. Sometimes we do not want to actively listen because we fear we will be faced with something we do not want to know. This occurs in families with rebellious teenagers a lot. The parents will often ignore signs—even direct evidence—that their children are doing drugs or having sex, etc., just because they are not ready to deal with it. This fear can be overcome by acknowledging it is there, and addressing it, just like you would the problem with your teenager. It can be overcome, but it involves us being real with ourselves.
We can control our ability to listen, but how do we handle others? One technique that we find highly effective is that of word pictures. It is when you paint a picture to get someone to connect with what you are saying on a level they can understand. Jesus used them all the time in His ministry. In an agrarian culture He used planting, sowing and reaping to help people understand the kingdom of God. The Old Testament prophets used them to hammer abstract concepts like truth, repentance and forgiveness home to Israel. The most notable story is that of King David. After he sins and has Bathesheba’s husband killed, the prophet Nathan visits him and tells him a story about a man with a beloved ewe lamb who is wronged. Remember, David was a shepherd. He cherished sheep. It was probably a fond childhood memory. In 2 Samuel 12:7, Nathan paints such an exact picture that David feels the pain of the man whose sheep were taken away. Once he feels the pain, then Nathan delivers the blow. “You are the man!” David actually convicts himself. He comes face-to-face with his sin and truly repents. That’s the power of word pictures.
Word pictures help us to understand things emotionally. Try it. We have frequently used word pictures with our children relating to things important to them. Likewise, they relate important truths and frustrations to us.
“I remember when my son was in third grade and I was home schooling him and had changed his math curriculum quite a few times that year. Jarrett, who was and is a gifted mathematician, was growing frustrated with my insistence that he master every little detail in each new book. Finally, one day he said to me, ‘Mom, ever go on a long car trip (we had taken several that year) and get excited when see the sign saying ‘New York, 10 miles’ only to be sent back in a circle?’ With that one analogy I got it! We stopped crisscrossing math concepts. Now, Jarrett could have said, ‘Mom, you are frustrating me going back over stuff I already know.’ But by relating it to a personal experience that meant something to me, it made it more potent.” —Cheryl
This brings us to the next stage in communication: Besides being good listeners, we must also effectively communicate our ideas. Samuel was a great communicator. God blessed this young man such that his words would never fall to the ground. Everything he said came to pass. This reputation made him a spiritual hero in Israel and the surrounding lands. Now, Samuel’s words were not infallible, but his ability to hear God’s voice and to articulate those words from the throne with thought, sensitivity and understanding to a nation is what solidifies his name as a man of God.
The child Samuel was able to hear God and respond. It is Samuel’s ability to listen which ultimately makes him a good communicator. When we think of noteworthy leaders such as Winston Churchill, Dr. Martin Luther King, or Sojourner Truth, we point to their communicative prowess. But what placed these persons at the helm of the history books was not the elegance of their words. It was their ability to discern what was in the hearts of their listeners and to address those heart concerns, then inspire them to move on to the next challenge. Therein lies the key: effective communicators show empathy and understanding. In doing so, they are able to take people to a higher place. Jesus stepped out of eternity and into time to show us that he empathizes with us. And while He cares deeply about us, Jesus further illustrates that despite the constraints of our flesh we have the ability to come up higher.
Derek and Cheryl have been married for twenty years and enjoy speaking, writing and encouraging other homeschool families. Portions of this article are excerpted from their book Seven Biblical Foundations Every Family Should Build on. Visit www.FamilySucess.org or www.Momtime.net for more articles and communication information.
